hanging on another day... just to see what you throw my way

this is a new song ive come across by lifehouse called broken, apparently it has also been on greys anatomy. the lyrics are...

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (in the pain), is there healing
In your name (in your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain(In the pain) there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you


i found it hard to find a song for this, as im finding it hard to find anything at the moment, uni is over and im lost. i dont feel i live in london and it is lonely and stressful being overlooked at work even though i work so hard. its hard to put on a front that you dont care when all you want to do is scream why am i not good enough! i am so sad at the moment and i cant for the life of me figure out why.
i just feel like crying all the time. things with the guy were going great but after a 2nd date he seems distant and busy and i just feel like i cant throw myself out there cos if i get rejected again im scared it will break me.
my brother called today from his training to get help filling out his will, hes in the army for basic training working with live explosives so its a precaution but at 18 and hes thinking about the end of his life. its scary to think about and everytime i do i just want to cry.
i dont know where im going and i dont know how to get the momentum to keep trying anymore. i seem to have lost so much and dont have a sense of belonging anywhere, i want to find someone who can be there and love me but everytime i try it seems to fail.
i watched the curious case of benjamin button yesterday which is a lovely film by the way, i guess thats why i liked the lyrics about the clocks at the beginning of this song because the film talks about a man who makes a clock that ticks backwards in order to somehow turn back time so his son comes home and hasnt died.
i dont know what im trying to say and i dont really know why im telling everyone because its only me that can drag myself out of this. i just dont want to be falling apart and putting on a face anymore, but at the same time i have to hold it together because noone else can do it for me.
i wrote to a friend yesterday asking for a hand, not knowing what i wanted or how they could help but it was an attempt at making an effort but they havent read it yet. i wonder what would happen if i called, what would i say, what would they say? would they hang up or would i cry? i hate this confusion and i cant see the light at the end of this tunnel even though i point it out for everyone else.
i miss my brother, i love him so much and he is someone i can talk to no matter what, he is the best person i know and better than me in every way. going to see him in catterick soon and i know i wont want to say goodbye again, i miss him and just want him home, so i can feel like im not alone, how selfish is that.

Our scars remind us that the past is real

I love this song by Papa Roach called Scars;

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is

[Chorus:]
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

[Chorus]

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever come around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
Go fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

[Chorus x2]

It is relevant to me atm as i am moving on with another chapter in my life, i have been let down by some people in the past who i have bent and broken myself for and i have always been aware that i try to take people under my wing but now i am almost free from this, back in kent and i have let them turn their backs for the last time. I am happy as i have learnt from it and am now moving on with my own life which i hope to say *touch wood* is on the up :D so this song just closes it for me and helps to remind me i did my best and thats all anyone can ask of me. From now on im going to do my best for the people that count and not lose the wrong people through being 'blind'. Thanks to all those people that have seen this blindness in the past and know me well enough to accept me for me because they care, you are my true friends and always will be :D

A kiss in the rain

I have just discovered this song myself but feel it sums up what i think at the moment :D

Sophie ellis bextor - new flame:

Have we met before? Or is that just to break the ice If our paths had crossed I should recall such paradise Inside me passion's stirring Forgive me, you're divine [Chorus 1:] My new flame speeding towards me A new flame to warm my heart I feel my temperature soaring My new flame what a spark Are you often here? Where d'you like to go? And can I come? All I know for me to speak so free It's not often done But with the way we're heading I figure we'll be fine[Chorus 2:][Chorus 1]My new flame hold me together The old flame fall apart Around me bridges are burning My new flame what a spark You release me You please me Hypnotise me Capsize me Fascinated Captivated Exaggerated Worth the wait-ed What a fire! [Chorus 2]

So have been chatting to a certain guy for a few days now, met up on friday, i know it was quick but just when you feel you know someone so well so i went for it. managed to get lost going from one exit to the other at charing cross which was funny and typically me, went for coffee, then to the cinema and i chose wagamamas which was ace, until i ordered noodles in soup and had only chopstiks or a HUGE wooden spoon to use so i naturally tried the chopsticks and not only did i have great difficulty eating it let alone elegantly lol he had finished way before me hehe but he still seemed happy and suggested wandering around, so went to st james's park, wandered around, kissed in the rain for a bit ;) then went onto the pub. The date started at 2pm and i left him when i got off the tube at my stop at 11.30 pm. we are meeting again on tuesday. i can officially say... the best first date ever! hoping not to jinx it but the man i have met is lovely and needed to share it with you. it is nice that when you keep telling yourself to hold out for that something special it actually does come around eventually. i shall sleep tonight as i did last night - in a blissful happy slumber of smiles, and i hope this feeling stays along with this wonderful guy :)

Too much to ask

It's the first time I've ever felt this lonely, Wish someone cure this pain It's funny when you think it's gonna work out Till you chose weed over me you’re so lame I thought you were cool until the point, Up until the point you didn't call me when you said you would Finally figured out you're all the same, Always coming up with some kind of story Every time I try to make you smile, You're always feeling sorry for yourself Every time I try to make you laugh, You can't your too tough You think you're loveless Is that too much that I’m askin for? Thought you'd come around when I ignored you, Sorta thought you'd have the decency to change But babe I guess you didn't take that warning, ’Cause I'm not about to look at your face again Can't you see that you lie to yourself? You can't see the world through a mirror It won't be too late when the smoke clears’ Cause I, I am still here But every time I try to make you smile, You'd always grow up feeling sorry for yourself Every time I try to make you laugh, You stand like a stone, Alone in your zone Is that too much that I’m askin for? Yeah-eya yeah-eya Can't find where I am, lying here alone in fear, Afraid of the dark, no one to claim alone again YEAH-EYA EYA EYA Can't you see that you lie to yourself? You can't see the world through a mirror, It won't be too late when the smoke clears’ Cause I, I am still here Every time I try to make you smile, You're always feeling sorry for yourself Every time I try to make you laugh,You can't your too tough You think you're loveless It was too much that I asked him for.

this song is 'Too much to ask' by Avril Lavigne,

I dont actually feel that lonely anymore but i have been for some time, its just hard when people say your lovely but your still alone. A person once gave me advice and said dont make my mistake and chase someone who doesnt care which i have been doing for some time now, its also harder when its them your chasing and they dont even realise. However, i have opened my eyes and i have decided to get on track and wait for someone who cares about me like i do them. I will not settle as i dont deserve to. This song still resounds that it is hard for some people to give the simplest things even though you give them so much. I also love the line 'you cant see the world through a mirror' to me this is someone looking at themselves and catching glimpses of the world around them but sometimes you do just have to look through your eyes or even through the eyes of others in a completely selfless way, it is knowing when to and when not to do this that i am working on in my life at the moment.

This idea also relates to my artwork which is often about self image and sterotypes, ideas of glamour so i may delve further into this!

Until then just to let you know i have a date with a lovely guy named james on friday :)

wish me luck x

My first post

So it seems everyone has a blog, well i have also decided to follow as it were and use this to post about life and my artwork and stuff im just generally interested in. Im a big fan of alternative therapies such as art and music therapy so i decided to call my blog 'music is what feelings sound like' this is as i usually have a song to which i can relate to at the time of any event or turmoil, so in keeping with this i will choose a song related to my posts and display the lyrics :D
The song i am listening to over and over at the moment has to be ' Come in with the rain by Taylor Swift' the lyrics being :

I could go back to every laugh, But I don't wanna' go there anymore, And I know all the steps up to your door, But I don't wanna' go there anymore. Talk to the wind, talk to the sky, Talk to the man with the reasons why, And let me know what you find. I’ll leave my window open, ‘Cause I’m too tired at night to call your name. Just know I’m right here hopin’, That you’ll come in with the rain. I could stand up and sing you a song, But I don’t wanna’ have to go that far. And I, I’ve got you down, I know you by heart, And you don’t even know where I start. Talk to yourself, talk to the tears, Talk to the man who put you here, And don’t wait for the sky to clear. I’ll leave my window open, ‘Cus I’m too tired at night to call your name. Oh, just know I’m right here hopin’, That you’ll come in with the rain. I’ve watched you so long, Screamed your name, I don’t know what else I can say. But I’ll leave my window open, ‘Cus I’m too tired at night for all these games. Just know I’m right here hopin’, That you’ll come in with the rain. I could go back to every laugh, But I don’t wanna’ go there anymore…

I love this song as it for me is talking about how it can be really tiresome keep fighting for something that never really comes about, and no matter how much you want to shut things out you can't. Like its normally leaving a door open but a window is smaller, so more like she doesnt want to give so much anymore but cant bear to completely let go, yet hopes when times get hard (the rain) that person will come back and maybe things will be ok.